Why does social change insist on the pain of others?

A friend of mine from college posted an anguished… plea (no, not a plea, not a rant, not a diatribe, not a lament either, I’m not sure there is a good word for it). He had been in the NYC subway, gotten bumped, said “Pardon me” and saw at least four women of various ethnicities grab their purses.

I’ve seen so many women sharing their pain of sexual assault, sharing their abortion stories. We’ve watched Dr Ford stand up to an abuser, seen her pain be mocked.

I’m tired of it. I’m tired of feeling like my friends have to share their stories of pain to be believed.

I hear the pain in my friend’s stories.

We read the pain of Anne Frank in her diary.

We see the pain on the faces of the refugees.

The relatives of the children killed by missiles. (or guns)

I don’t know what to do. For some privileged people, yes, it does make a difference. Hearing the pain breaks through some of the walls. Seeing events, documented..

BUT.

At the same time…its the same thing as “poverty porn”. Every story also reinforces begging for our rights. Every story demanding the reinforcing of Black pain. The viral deaths….

I noticed I was acting in some racist ways due to my friends talking about it..almost unconsciously. Crossing the street to avoid a black dude, putting my hand on my purse. It is taught in so many ways. Through TV, through social media neighborhood groups, through books and movies and systemic racism.

I went to school and college with black dudes. I nannied for a black kid.

And yes, I also fell into the trap, once, of identifying a black kid as older than he was. I was so embarrased by it that I made a point of never doing that again.

But I’m also tired. And I know I’m not as tired as my black friends are. But I’m tired of having them have to shout their pain and their humanity out to white women, to white men.

I’m tired of women having to shout their pain out to men.

I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired.

Can we please start seeing more change without people needing to relive everyday trauma? Can we please start hearing people LISTEN and BELIEVE them without performative pain?

Because even with the pain, we don’t seem to be seeing change.